


Beyond Grief

by rachaellikestoread



Category: Suikoden, Suikoden III
Genre: Frottage, Hand Jobs, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mutual Masturbation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-01
Updated: 2016-01-01
Packaged: 2018-05-10 20:35:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5599927
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rachaellikestoread/pseuds/rachaellikestoread
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>As Dios helps Sasarai move through his grief, they discover their mutual love and desire for one another.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Beyond Grief

With only moonlight to light up the face of his watch, Dios struggled to see where the hands pointed. Was it ten after four, or twenty after two?

Before he could determine which of the hands was longer than the other, he heard it again: a faint whimpering, barely loud enough for him to hear. He quickly placed his watch back on the nightstand and headed for Sasarai's room.

Bishop Sasarai's bedroom was far more lavishly decorated than the guest room where Dios slept. The walls were lined with antiques and knick-knacks, most of which Sasarai had received as gifts and had no use for. The luxuriousness of the room, however, in no way distracted from the books and paper haphazardly strewn all over his desk and the floor. It must be a nightmare for the household staff, Dios thought, to have their diligent work undone so quickly.

Dios arrived at Sasarai's bedside just in time to see him open his eyes. "Another nightmare, Bishop?"

"I think so...." Sasarai sat up. "But I can't know for sure. I don't remember anything." He hugged himself, as though he were cold. "I never remember my dreams anymore."

"You've been through a lot. It's little wonder you're having trouble."

"Yes, I suppose." He grew quiet. "I used to fall asleep so easily. Now, it takes me almost an hour some nights. I just lie awake...thinking."

"Thinking? I see." Dios paused. "Yes, it's difficult to sleep when you can't stop thinking."

"You're not going to ask me what I was thinking about?" Dios could hear a smile in the bishop's voice.

"If you want to tell me, you will. Otherwise, it's none of my business."

"You're a good man, Dios." He moved to the other side of the bed and patted the mattress. "Sit. I'll tell you."

***

That had been the first night they spent together. They had talked until morning--or rather, Sasarai had talked and Dios had mostly listened.

It took Dios a while, but he eventually realized that Sasarai was grieving. It was strange that he would grieve for someone he had never truly known, but perhaps that was the very reason why he needed to express that grief. Maybe he was grieving not for Luc himself, but for what might have been. For a normal childhood and a normal family, where the two of them could have grown up free of their respective burdens, where they could have been two brothers who played and fought and laughed and cried together.

Sasarai never cried--at least, not that Dios ever saw--but his mannerisms had changed. He spoke more softly and with less frequency. He would often stop in the middle of a sentence and grow quiet, then claim to forget what he had been talking about.

But what was most telling was his--although Dios felt guilty for thinking of it this way--clinginess.

At first, Dios didn't notice, and when he did, he thought it was his imagination. Before long, however, the contrast between the bishop's previous and present habits became too pronounced to deny. Sasarai stood closer than necessary to Dios, found excuses to make physical contact, asked where he was going in an overly lighthearted manner that seemed to betray a sort of panic.

And every time they talked in Sasarai's bed, the night ended with them a little closer together than last time.

"Dios," he finally admitted one night, "I'm afraid."

Dios waited.

"I'm afraid...I'm afraid I'm going to end up like Luc. He was so overcome by despair that he thought he was justified in causing a million deaths. I, too, have been shown disturbing visions by my True Rune. I don't remember them too well--I was still a child when I stopped seeing them. But I have a feeling that they're resurfacing in my dreams."

Sasarai lay with his back to Dios, but they were pressed together in a way that made Dios think of spoons in a silverware drawer. Although Dios enjoyed the closeness, he wondered if it was right for him to feel so content when Bishop Sasarai was suffering.

As Dios was thinking this, he heard Sasarai say, "Dios...I'm sorry."

"Why are you sorry, Lord Sasarai?"

Sasarai turned around to face him. "I know it's wrong of me to use you like this. And I know it's inappropriate for us to be..." His voice trailed off. When he spoke again, his voice was very soft. "Dios...Are you with me like this because you think you don't have a choice?"

"No," Dios answered, almost too quickly. "I know you're a considerate man, Bishop. I've never felt like you were using me. I'm here of my own choice. To be honest, right before you spoke to me, I wondered if maybe--" He stopped abruptly, realizing the awkwardness of what he was about to say. But he knew he had Sasarai's attention now, and it would be unfair to tell him anything but the truth. "I wondered if maybe...I was the one in the wrong, because...I'm happy..." His voice dropped in volume with every word. "...to be...with you...like...this."

It was said. And now that Dios had finally confessed his guilt to Sasarai, he felt a great sense of relief.

"You're not in the wrong, Dios." There was a gentleness to Sasarai's tone that Dios had never heard before. "I'm happy to hear that. Why did you think there was anything wrong with being glad to be with me this way?"

"Because..." _Because you're grieving, and all I can think about it how much I want to hold you_. 

"I know you worry about me," Sasarai whispered. "You're always trying to do more to support me. But this isn't part of your duty. I didn't intend to take things this far." His voice trembled slightly as he spoke his next words. "But I'm afraid to be alone now. I hate every minute that I'm left alone with my thoughts. I remember things from my childhood, things the adults said when they thought I couldn't hear. And I realize things that I didn't realize back then. There were things about my life that just didn't add up. And now that I understand how much was kept from me, I feel like nothing is certain anymore. There's no structure or consistency to anything now. In my dreams, I..." He hesitated for a moment, as though unsure about how to explain his dreams. When he finally spoke again, his voice was steady, but somehow Dios could sense the fear he was trying to suppress. "I feel as though I'm falling...no, _flying_. But it's not fun, it's terrifying. I can't see anything. I don't know where I'm going, if I'll ever have my feet on solid ground again, or if I'm going to hit something and die." 

He fell silent, and for several minutes, Dios was silent as well. He lay next to Sasarai in the dark, listening to his breathing. He knew he should say something to reassure him, tell him he would lie with him like this every night if he wanted and never expect anything more. But he was afraid to speak, afraid to break the spell the silence cast on the two of them. Furthermore, if Sasarai had more to say, he didn't want to discourage him by interrupting his thoughts. He could almost feel the fragility of Sasarai's composure, and was afraid to move, afraid to breathe, for fear of breaking the hold Sasarai had on his own emotions.

"Dios..." It was lower than a whisper, as though he were merely breathing Dios' name.

"Yes, Lord Sasarai?"

"You can say no. Promise me you'll say no if you don't want to."

Dios' heart beat faster. "I promise."

"I mean it," he insisted. "Dios, I would hate it more than anything if you lied to me."

"I can't lie to you," Dios said. "You know that, Bishop. I can't lie to anyone. That's why I'm so unpopular. But I especially can't lie to you. You can see through every front I even try to put up. So let me hear your request, and I promise I will answer it honestly."

"Well..." Sasarai paused for several moments, and when he spoke, his voice was surprisingly meek. "Dios, will you...touch me?"

Dios tried to sound gentle, but instead he only sounded nervous. "Where do you want me to touch you, Bishop?"

When Sasarai hesitated, Dios held out his hand. Sasarai took it and held it up to his cheek.

"I like your hands," he murmured. "They're large and strong, but also gentle. I always thought they were nice hands. I wanted to feel them on my face...in my hair..." His voice was fading, and Dios knew he was falling asleep. 

Much later, Dios also drifted off with his hand still resting on the back of Sasarai's head, holding him to his heart.

*** 

Over the following weeks, Dios spent more nights with Sasarai than he ever had before. Previously, he had slept in his own bed, but now he slept next to Sasarai at least twice a week. He began to know the rhythm of Sasarai's breathing, the movements and sounds he made when half asleep, and when he was having nightmares.

And before Dios knew it, he was having trouble falling asleep alone, without the soothing presence of Sasarai's body next to his. Alone and strangely cold, Dios longed for Sasarai's warmth and scent.

One day, Dios knocked on Sasarai's door several times before it finally opened. Dios was shocked to see that Sasarai looked as though he had just rolled out of bed. His hair was a mess, and there were dark circles under his eyes. In fact, Dios realized, he wasn't even out of his nightclothes.

"Bishop, what happened?" Dios asked. "It's past two o'clock!"

"I'm sorry, Dios." He yawned. "I...didn't fall asleep until ten o'clock this morning."

"Did I wake you? Do you want me to go?"

He shook his head. "Come in. Quickly, before someone sees me like this."

Once Dios was safely inside, Sasarai said, "My nightmares have been getting worse." His voice was almost apologetic. "I still don't remember them too well, but I wake up feeling even more exhausted than when I went to sleep. I tried to relax last night. I have my temple duties to think about..." He yawned again. "But every time I closed my eyes, this uneasy feeling crept over me, and I couldn't fall asleep. I was so frustrated I was ready to cry." He looked around the room. "Oh, where are my manners? I don't have any green tea left, I'm afraid, but--"

"You're in no condition to entertain a guest," Dios insisted. "You need to sleep for a couple more hours, at least. Really, Bishop, you should take a break from working at the temple. I'm sure they would let you!"

But Sasarai was no longer listening. He had stopped moving, his eyes were out of focus, and there was a look of horror on his face. "Dios..." He reached in Dios' direction, but gropingly, as though he were unsure exactly where Dios stood.

Dios ran to him and put his hands on his shoulders. He tried to get Sasarai to look him in the eye, but his gaze was distant and misty. "Bishop! Bishop Sasarai! What's the matter? Talk to me!"

"I remembered," Sasarai whispered. "Just now I realized...I must have repressed the memory." His words were rapid and automatic, as though he had to spit them out before they poisoned his consciousness. "Luc was isolated as a child. I don't know exactly why, but I'm certain that I wasn't supposed to know about it. I was vaguely aware that there was one other person like me, who had borne a True Rune from birth, but the other bishops rarely spoke of him. But I was too young to understand. All I knew was that I had seen something I shouldn't have. His eyes, his face, they haunted me for days afterward, but I was afraid to ask questions or even speak of the matter. I'd never seen eyes like his before. They were..." He paused for the first time since beginning to tell his story. "...completely empty." Another pause. "Dios...If he was suffering that much, then...Could it be that, that woman actually _rescued_ him? If that's what really happened, then...then everything I know is..."

Dios felt Sasarai trembling beneath his hands, and without thinking, he pulled him into a tight embrace. "It's not your fault, Bishop," he murmured. "You were a child. It must have been frightening."

"These feelings..." With his head against Dios' chest, the vibrations from Sasarai's voice seemed to pass through his clothing and skin, enter his body--his blood--and chill him from inside. "They run deeper than grief. I feel responsible, like I should have done something. While I was living an easy life, he had been forgotten. Abandoned. No wonder he hated me." He looked up at Dios, and the agony apparent in his expression almost made Dios' heart stop. "It's funny, isn't it? Out of all the things I could feel guilty about, it had to be the one thing I had no power to change. After all that's happened, it's such a ridiculous, _useless_ way to feel...but..."

"But you can't help it." Dios knew the feeling. He doubted there was a human in this world who had not felt pointlessly guilty in his or her life. "It's normal, Bishop. There's nothing wrong with how you feel."

"I didn't even know him, Dios."

"He impacted you all the same. He was your brother. Regardless of how you were born...That's what I think."

A short, weak laugh escaped Sasarai's throat. "What does it say about me that you, a man with no social skills, always manage to say just what I need to hear?"

"I wouldn't think too much about it, Bishop. Not right now. You're going to make yourself sick if you don't catch up on your sleep. I'll stay here as long as you want me, so please go back to bed."

"Come with me." Sasarai's voice was already fading. "I think that memory might have something to do with my nightmares. I want you to hold on to me in case I start flying again. But don't wake me up. Whatever it is that's taken up residence in my subconscious, I need to confront it myself."

Fortunately, Sasarai was light enough for Dios to carry him to bed--the exhausted bishop was already asleep.

***

"It hasn't been an easy week for either of us, has it?"

It was a new moon that night, and clouds blotted out the stars for miles around. Sasarai's room was pitch-black, darker than Dios could ever remember. It almost unsettled him, as though he had been struck blind.

"Apologies really don't suit you, Bishop," Dios said, trying to keep the mood light.

"I didn't mean it as an apology," Sasarai assured him. "I just wanted to thank you for your patience with me. You shouldn't have to see me like this. Or rather, I shouldn't be seen like this. It's unacceptable for someone of my rank to be so...weak."

"Weak? You?" Dios couldn't help but laugh. "You're stronger than anyone I know. You've got a lot on your shoulders, Bishop, and helping you lighten the load is what I'm here for. As your aide, and as your friend."

"Still..." Suddenly, Sasarai laughed, too. "Dios, I do believe that's the first time you've said you were my friend."

"Oh..." Dios felt embarrassed. "I didn't mean to...imply that we weren't friends..." He cleared his throat uncomfortably. "It's just..."

"You're still not good at expressing yourself." Sasarai took one of Dios' hands in both of his. "It's all right. I like you the way you are."

"Thank you." Dios' heart was beating so hard, it was almost painful. He felt one of Sasarai's hands let go of his own and place it on his cheek.

"Dios." Once again, there was something new in Sasarai's voice as he spoke the name, and Dios knew what was coming. He leaned forward, and whatever barrier had remained between them finally faded when he felt the warm pressure of Sasarai's searching lips against his own.

It was a quick, experimental kiss between them, and when it ended, Dios began, "Bishop..."

Sasarai placed his hand over Dios' mouth. "Please just call me by my name. I'm not Bishop Sasarai of Holy Harmonia right now. I'm just me. I want to hear you say my name, by itself, with no titles or anything."

"Sasarai..." It felt strange, saying his name without any honorific attached. He liked the way it felt as it left his mouth, the way it slid off his tongue in a soothing whisper. 

Their lips met again, and Dios trembled as he felt Sasarai's arms wrap themselves around his shoulders. "Bisho--I mean, Sasarai--before we do anything else, are you sure this is what you want?"

"I like it when you touch me," Sasarai said, the vulnerability in his voice belying the easygoing nature of his words. "I want you to touch me all over. And I want to touch you as well. Do you not want to do this?"

"I do want it," Dios insisted. "If I didn't, I wouldn't be so afraid. But I am afraid. I'm afraid I'm going to hurt you. I'm afraid that tomorrow you'll regret what we did tonight. I know that you would be punished severely, and maybe even publicly disgraced, if word got out that you engaged in...in fornication, and with another man, no less."

Sasarai rested his head against Dios' shoulder and did not speak for several moments. Then, he softly admitted, "I'm afraid, too. Even though I know you're telling the truth--like you said, you can't lie to me--I'm still afraid that I'm abusing the power I have over you. I'm a selfish person, Dios. I'm afraid that I'll only ever love anyone selfishly. But mostly, I'm afraid I'll push you away because I don't know how to hold on to the people I care about."

"Sasarai..." Dios whispered. "I...I can't say much in the way of reassurance. But I think love is always a little selfish. Besides, if you were completely selfish, you wouldn't be afraid at all."

Sasarai chuckled nervously. "If we both want this, and we're both afraid...then it's probably going to be okay, don't you think?"

When they kissed a third time, Dios felt Sasarai's lips part, and he tentatively moved his tongue to taste the inside of Sasarai's mouth. Sasarai responded with several quick, contented sighs, as though some desperate thirst had at last been satisfied. His attempts to match Dios' movements with his own tongue, unskilled as they were, allowed Dios' long-suppressed desire to finally rise to the surface. He tilted Sasarai's head back, his arousal increasing with every sound he was able to draw from Sasarai's throat.

"Dios," Sasarai moaned when they broke apart, "Dios." His grip on Dios' clothes tightened as Dios kissed his neck. 

_Slowly, slowly,_ Dios reminded himself, forcing himself to act with the same deliberation and prudence he exercised on the battlefield. _The last thing you want is to go charging in recklessly and make a foolish mistake._ He tempered his excitement with caution, gently making a trail of kisses along Sasarai's collarbone.

"Ahh..." A breathy moan escaped Sasarai's lips as he lay back on the bed, pulling Dios on top of him. "D...Dios...!"

As Dios continued to kiss Sasarai's throat and neck, he placed one of his hands at the top button of Sasarai's nightshirt. "Is this all right?" he whispered.

"Yes," Sasarai answered, his voice husky and distant. "Please undress me."

Dios kissed his ear and began to undo the buttons one at a time, often stopping to run the tips of his fingers over Sasarai's upper body. Sasarai's body felt much smaller, much more fragile than usual. Perhaps it was because tonight he had opened himself up completely, allowing Dios to see him for what he truly was: an awkward, lonely human being, as vulnerable--and as incomplete--as anyone else.

So Dios continued to move slowly, touching Sasarai's body with his fingertips, his nails, the palm and back of his hand, making him squirm helplessly from the lightness of his touch. His lips sucked gently at the soft, smooth skin of Sasarai's throat.

"Dios, please..." Sasarai reached up to unbutton Dios' shirt as well. "Let me...touch you...please."

Dios had never imagined that making love in the dark could be so intense. Without his eyes to guide him, he had to rely on sound, taste, and touch, and it enabled him to explore Sasarai's body even further. After the two men shrugged out of their nightclothes, Sasarai began to return Dios' caresses, apparently seeking to duplicate them exactly. His lips brushed against Dios' ears and neck, tentatively, almost reluctantly, and his hands glided aimlessly over Dios' upper body.

"I'm sorry," he said. "I'm not...I'm not exactly well-versed in this."

"Neither am I," Dios admitted. "It's been a long time. I..." A pleasurable shudder ran through his body as the tip of his cock brushed against the inside of Sasarai's thigh. He felt Sasarai's body tense up, then relax again. "Sorry, did that startle you?"

He could hear the smile in Sasarai's voice as he answered. "There's nothing to apologize for. We're both men, right?" He took Dios' hand and guided it slowly down his body. "I want you to feel all of me."

Dios swallowed nervously. "All right." He let Sasarai move his hand farther down than he himself had allowed it to go. At last, his palm brushed against Sasarai's member, and Sasarai sighed in satisfaction as Dios ran his fingers over Sasarai's length.

"I...I knew it was a sin," Sasarai whispered, "but sometimes I had to touch myself. And I wished that you could touch me instead." His hand still guided Dios' hand, showing him how he liked to be stroked. 

"Me, too," Dios admitted. "I've thought of you, too." As he continued to move his right hand in tandem with Sasarai's hand, he ran the fingers of his left hand through Sasarai's hair. He pressed his lips to Sasarai's forehead and murmured, "You're always on my mind now. I want to stay by your side and support you."

"H-hey, don't get too emotional." Sasarai's laugh melted into a sweet-sounding moan as Dios wrapped his fingers around his member. "Dios...I...I'm not going to last long..." His body shuddered as Dios stroked him gently and began to kiss him again. "...if you...mmm...keep this up--" He gasped and arched his back, leaning into Dios' touch. His hand seemed to be groping blindly at Dios' body. 

"Here." Dios took his hand and guided it to his own erection. He finally allowed himself to give a pleasured groan as he felt Sasarai grip him. His strokes were light and curious as they explored his lower body, moving searchingly along his length, brushing the fingertips gainst the sensitive head. It seemed almost as though it were moving independently of the rest of Sasarai's body.

"Dios...I..." Sasarai's voice was weak, desperate, almost pleading. He let go of Dios' member and pulled Dios to him, wrapping his arms and legs around his body, pinning the two of them together. When he came he buried his face in the crook of Dios' neck and shoulder and gave a muffled cry. His nails dug into Dios' shoulder, a sensation Dios had not felt in years. Along with the pulsing heat of Sasarai's body and the splash of Sasarai's seed on his skin, it was enough to trigger his own climax. He pressed his lips, hard, against Sasarai's, once again indulging in the sweet warmth of his mouth as the waves of orgasm ran through them both.

When it was over, Dios lay next to Sasarai on the bed and held him. Neither of them spoke, and only a few minutes passed before Sasarai's shallow, even breathing let Dios know he was asleep.

***

When Dios opened his eyes, he was alone in Sasarai's bed. It seemed that no matter how their relationship changed, Sasarai would always wake up first. He was probably already showered and changed. Dios always marveled at the fact that someone so lazy (and he _was_ lazy, there was no denying it) could wake up so easily and still be in a good mood.

_At least, I hope he will be in a good mood_ , Dios thought as he put his nightclothes back on. 

As he headed into the hallway, he heard music. Sasarai was playing the piano, which he often did in the morning; however, this time it was a song Dios had never heard before. The melody made him feel nostalgic and a little sad. He walked into the parlor and waited quietly until the song ended.

"A lovely song," he said when it was over. "What is it called?"

"'Reminiscence.'" A faraway look appeared in his eyes. "I picked up the sheet music when I was in Highland, but after what happened there with Luc, I never bothered to learn it.

"That was my first major military assignment. I was young and a little cocky. Since we were only backing the main Highland army, I didn't expect anything to go wrong. But then we were ambushed by Luc and forced to retreat. I couldn't believe it." He laughed then, much to Dios' surprise. "I had to return to Harmonia in disgrace. I was mortified. I was angry. But most of all, I was frightened. Luc knew something about me that I didn't know myself, and he taunted me about it but refused to tell me."

His face grew serious again, and he continued, "I told Lord Hikusaak about what had happened. He explained to me that Luc was my twin brother, but he had been kidnapped by a witch named Leknaat so she could have control of his True Rune, and had been raised as an enemy of Harmonia. He had wished to spare me the pain of this knowledge." He closed his eyes. "I knew then I wasn't to ask any more questions. But whenever I thought of Highland, this mixture of doubt and fear would form in the pit of my chest, and I would feel unsatisfied with the answers I had been given. So I put away the sheet music and didn't try to play that song...until today." His eyes opened again and he turned to look at Dios. "It's strange, isn't it? His final actions were far worse than the ones he carried out fifteen years ago, but I find it easier to forgive him this time."

Dios sat on the couch. "Time changes people. If you'll forgive my presumption, I feel like you've matured a lot in just the short time that I've known you. Especially regarding these recent events. You've been hit hard by everything that's happened, but your dedication to the people of Harmonia is as steadfast as ever. At least, that's the way it seems to me," he added, embarrassed at the passion in his voice.

"I've been thinking about that, actually." Sasarai got up from the bench and stretched. "Okay, I'm a tool. Wait and let me finish," he demanded before Dios could say anything. "That's what I was designed to be: a safe place for Lord Hikusaak to store the True Earth Rune. Right?"

Dios hesitated, unsure whether he should agree with him or not.

"Just humor me, Dios."

Dios nodded. "Okay. Right."

Sasarai sat back down and began another song. He played this song often, but it still impressed Dios that he could carry on a conversation at the same time. "But aside from the particular circumstances of my birth, did Luc really tell me anything I didn't already suspect, if not know already? We bishops are, in a manner of speaking, tools of Hikusaak. And I knew that I was different even among the others, because I bore a True Rune and had been raised as a bishop instead of taking my vows when I came of age." His voice grew distant and soft as his fingers glided over the keys. "Nevertheless, my duty never differed from theirs: to love and serve Hikusaak, and to carry out his will, which is one with that of the Circle Rune, the very embodiment of harmony and order. If we only obey him faithfully, he can bring about a world of perfect peace...so we are told."

"Do you...believe that?" Dios asked.

"Sometimes," he admitted, and stopped playing. "But I think the important question is not whether I believe it, but what I am willing to sacrifice for it."

"I see." Sometimes Sasarai's train of thought was difficult to follow. "But weren't we talking about tools?"

"I'm getting to that." He began to play again. "We're all tools, Dios. None of us are immune to the influence of another person. And if we do not realize this fact, we become all the more susceptible to deception and betrayal."

Betrayal? "You couldn't be talking about--"

"Myself?" Sasarai nodded, a small smile on his face. "My subconscious was trying to warn me, but I refused to listen. If only--and this is strictly between you and me, Dios--I had heeded that warning and understood just how and why I was being used by Lord Hikusaak, I would have been able to stand up to Luc. Maybe I could have even saved him."

"Lord Sasarai..."

"Don't you see, Dios? Humans may be tools, but we are not objects. We have a sense of awareness and the power to act. Sometimes we can choose what kind of tools we will be. Right now, all I have is this awareness, this knowledge. If I do nothing else, I must hold on to it and never forget it as I continue my duties. I can no longer act simply because it is what I'm told to do. I owe that much to myself, to Harmonia...and to Luc." He finished the song, rose from the piano bench, and looked over at Dios, who was shaking his head in amazement.

"Lord Sasarai, I can barely keep up with you sometimes. Have you considered changing careers and becoming a philosopher?"

Sasarai laughed much more heartily than he had in weeks. "That was just rambling, Dios. To be honest, I don't even remember the first half of what I said. But if I need to, I know I can always count on you to remind me.

"Now, I don't know about you, but I'm hungry. Don't move--I'll make breakfast today."

***

After they were done eating (and the kitchen was a mess), Sasarai spoke up again. "Now...Do you want to talk about last night?"

Dios nodded slowly, then asked the dreaded question. "Do you...regret it?"

"No." Sasarai took a sip of tea, a mischievous glint in his eye. "Do you?"

"Of course not," Dios assured him. "I never once expected that I would."

"Yet you were so worried about me. You're a good man, Dios."

"If you say so."

Sasarai leaned back in his chair and sighed contentedly. "I don't see why we can't continue things in this direction, as long as we remember that..." He frowned, as though trying to find the right words. "As long as we remember that we can be two of one, but we can never be one of two. Do you understand?"

"I think so. We can't be...like a married couple or something," Dios said. "There are...There are reasons we can't be open about it."

"Indeed," Sasarai agreed. "But there's something else. And it has a lot to do with what I was saying earlier. I have a role to play in this world. I don't know exactly what it is yet, but it's going to be my reason for staying alive, even after everybody I know now has died." His face grew somber, and Dios felt his heart twinge with pain. 

"It's the same for Geddoe, Chris, and the other True Rune bearers," Sasarai continued. "If I'm not going to end up like Luc, I have to find that reason and hold on to it with all the strength I have. So what you and I have together...our feelings, our relationship...it can't be the most important thing. We can't be each other's reason to live." He looked away, embarrassed. "I mean...you mean a lot to me. But I can't live 'for' any one person."

"I understand," Dios assured him. "I wouldn't want you to live 'for' me. That's never what I wanted. And while I don't have any duties as lofty as those of a bishop or someone who holds a True Rune, I have duties I can't abandon as well. Supporting you is only one of them. I have a family that I must always put first: my father and mother, my siblings, and my son. I could never abandon them."

"Good. And Dios?"

"Yes, sir?"

Sasarai stood up and stretched, then grinned. "I think you're right. Maybe I should take a little break. I'll apply for some leave today."

***

That night, Sasarai had another nightmare. This time, Dios simply took his hand. With his eyes still closed, he listened to Sasarai's sleep-stifled cries as he struggled against whatever memory or fear he was facing in his subconscious.

_Please remember that I'm with you. I'll keep you tethered to the ground so you don't have to be afraid to fly a little. No matter what happens, I won't let go._

As the words of his silent prayer took form, he thought he felt them flow through his body and out through his fingertips, from one hand--one body, one soul--to another.

The tremors coursing through Sasarai's body continued for several minutes, then gradually weakened. Finally, they stopped altogether, and he slept quietly.

THE END


End file.
